After 6 months of marriage and 8 years of being together, jealously reared its ugly head and slowly started to dig into my brain with a spoon. The last and only time I have ever had pangs of jealously was when hubby and I first got together. But we were young and everything was new and everyone gets a little jealous to begin with right? Especially when your other half has already established relationships.
But this, this insane form of obsessiveness and over thinking was something new. It’s horrible and it’s consuming. I was analysing everything little thing to the point where I’m pretty sure my own imagination was deforming the truth.
Who knows why jealousy began to brew in the first place? After about 6 months work friendly steered towards social friendly, absolutely nothing strange about that. I socialise with my work friends all the time both men and women. The odd thing is that I genuinely like her myself. She’s fun, smart, ambitious and we actually get on really well.
I think it all boils down to my own insecurities and lack of confidence in myself. I’m pretty pro at outward projection, hiding what’s really going on. I can do it everyone, except him. For 2 weeks this has been tearing me apart making me distant, snappy and just generally melancholic. Poor hubby had no idea what was wrong. He tried to get it out of me but I couldn’t bring myself to tell him.
I think I was ashamed. Doesn’t jealously mean lack of trust? But I have never once not trusted him.
We finally talked about things last night. I was so worried he’d get angry but he didn’t. I warbled, he listened, I ranted, he understood, I questioned, he explained, I cried myself into oblivion, he held me in his arms and together we worked through all my concerns. I’d already played every scenario in my head over and over and had concluded myself that I was just being stupid, but it didn’t make me feel any better.
Only now after it’s all out in the open do I finally feel free, like I’m breathing again for the first time. I’m 31 and I still struggle to talk about my feelings but I’m learning and I’m getting better. I realised that if you don’t talk about it you really only have one side of the story. How can you understand anything fully without all the facts?
Jealousy is ugly if you let it control you. Let it out and let it go before it gets the chance.