I don’t claim to be anything near the perfect colleague. I’m fully aware of some of my own foibles, I promise I’m working on them! But when you work in a small office like I do of around 25 people, it’s almost akin to living in university halls of residence, or a dorm room as our cousins across the water might call it. There’s no getting away from the horde.
It’s a lovely office really. Nice and airy (sometimes a bit too airy in the winter when the boss is trying to save on the heating), we get breakfast provided in the morning, full kitchen facilities available, bike storage, hangout bean bags and an awesome roof terrace for summer lunchtime napping and BBQs. The stuff is great, but sometimes the people do things that give you that nails on a chalkboard type feeling.
So this is an open and honest appeal to annoying colleagues around the world to spare a thought for your fellow workmate. As much as your antics can often provide comic relief during a lunchtime gossip, they more often than not cause internal rage and a faster than average consumption of the biscuit tin.
Dear colleague who doesn’t wash up their pots after making lunch
I understand, I really do. You want that bowl of steaming noodles piping hot to slurp straight into your face. That extra minute you might spend washing up the pots you used would seriously jeopardise steam to slurp ratio! I wish we had pots available ad infinitum just for you, but alas, global stocks of stainless steal might suffer as a result. So for the sake of metal makers and your colleagues who might need to use the pot after you, be charitable, wash it up and together we can reduce the annual number of mouth associated secondary burns.
Dear colleague who leaves skid marks
I’m sorry, but I’m just not a fan of abstract art and I’m pretty sure there are no fortunes to be told by your intricate patterns. As much as you might want to ‘leave your mark’ on this Earth before you die, there are other less disturbing ways in which to do so. So just a couple of tips and tricks for a better toilet experience: 1. Try sitting further back on the seat to help you aim directly into the water. 2. Think about a change in diet so as to avoid any runniness altogether.
Dear colleague who is negative about everything
“Oh woe is me” might just be your personal moto. While I applaud you for at least being consistent and dependable to crack out another dismal delight, life isn’t actually an episode of “50 shades of the colour grey“. Come into the light my child, you won’t contract a terminal illness by saying something nice and it won’t make you any less of the alternative individual that you think you are.
Dear colleague who is all talk and no action
I know, sometimes you really just want someone to talk to and for your booming voice to be heard. But making the entire office come to a stand still because you need to get something off your chest and heaven forbid anyone else has anything to do that day might not be the most cost effective way of communicating. As a start, try Googling “attention seeker“. And if you ask people for help and then proceed to do nothing differently only to make the same complaint again, you’ll soon find that the help won’t be so readily volunteered and office wide ear plugs get issued.
Dear colleague who always complains about the office music
A lot of people will probably be on the fence about this one whether you’re pro-office music or anti-office music. Personally I think ‘something’ in the background just adds a better atmosphere in general rather than having everyone sitting heads down in silence. No we all don’t have the same tastes in music and more often than not something will come on that disagrees with your stomach, but when I was younger I learnt about compromise, patience and communication. I’m afraid I didn’t learn the language of explosive outbursts and feet stamping. Technology these days allows us to ‘skip’ through different songs with ease if politely requested and I’ve recently acquired this wonderful invention called ‘ear phones’. I’ve made a note to put in a good word with Santa for you this year to see if he can hook you up.
Take heed annoying colleagues, it’s not just me either, the Twitter-sphere has called you out on a couple of things as well!
@mygriffinway someone who sits near me does some really annoying hiccuping and sneezing! It's so fake! Grrrrrrr
— Samantha Partridge (@CocoButterBlog) February 23, 2015
— Nuriah Haleem (@Nuriah__) February 23, 2015
There we go, little rant over. It’s a Sunday and the sun is shining. Comment below if you need a little office related rant relief! It’s actually rather therapeutic :)
I wonder what fun times tomorrow’s Monday will bring?